(sorry this is the last update for a bit)
I also want to talk about this for the few watchers who do read these:
Yes, I did delete all my deviations again. But, there is a reason for it that doesn't have to do with my skill level or anything. Let me kinda tell you the deal with that, and my story and whatnot.
(this is a rant and vent so if you don't like it please don't read it. writing things out really helps getting things off my chest)
So, as some of you may know from these status updates and forum posts I was pretty damn depressed for a long time. Like, since I was 13, so a good 4-5 years. (I'm 17)
The first 3 years, I was a really big bottled up recluse. I always loved to draw from a young age, and drawing was a therapy to me. I have an enormous overactive imagination, so much so that it kept me up at nights. It prevented me from functioning properly. Seriously; it was hard to do basic tasks. Like brush my teeth even. I know, its disgusting, but thats what depression does to you. I developed an eating disorder later on. I would binge, gain a lot of weight, then not eat for weeks and weeks. I would go to the hospital a lot because of dangerously low blood sugar where I passed out.
I always loved to read. I couldn't read anymore. I physically could not. I went from straight As to Cs and even Fs.. I am not stupid.. anyone who knows me personally thinks I am very intelligent (not to toot my own horn or anything lol).
My parents didn't really know what to do. And honestly looking back I can't blame them. My lack of communication and their ignorance to the subject made it impossible for me to get help.
When I lived in San Antonio I kinda broke down (15 y/o) and my parents decided to send me to a psychologist, since my dads work allowed 5 free sessions. This psychologist was a bitch. To put it bluntly. She always put me down, purposefully. She refused to help me. This wasn't an attitude I had, I PHYSICALLY CANNOT FUNCTION. I TRY SO HARD BUT I COULDNT. I AM GLUED TO THE INTERNET BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY SOURCE OF INTERACTION I HAD WITH ANYONE ANYMORE. I CRAVED STIMULATION.
She refused to believe that. It really damaged my self esteem, I tried to commit suicide, but I didn't even come close. I felt physically sick holding a gun; but only because I thought I was disobeying my parents because I am not allowed to touch it. Not the fact that I was about to kill myself. Funny in a morbid way, huh?
Then, because of my dads work, I moved to somewhere else in texas (I won't say, because I am in this city currently and it is sort of small and I don't want anyone finding me).
And by some grace of god or whatever you believe in, I found an amazing doctor. Not only did he fix my mom's sleeping problems and helping my parents both lose weight (my dad especially because he is diabetic because of his weight) but for once, someone was actually HELPING ME.
Yeah, some people may say that medicine for the mind isn't good. To that I say, bullshit. If I did not meet this doctor, I seriously think I would not make it through 2018. I am in a terrible school, only two long distance friends who are seniors in HS who are gonna drop out for a bit due to college soon.. but thats tangential.
He put me on paxil. It sort of helped. I wasnt AS depressed; though looking back it was rather unnessicary (is that how you spell it?) to me.
Finally, I told my mom that I needed to talk to this doctor alone. I needed to pour out everything because to put it frankly, he was literally my last limb. He listens to me.
Finally after talking to him, he thought maybe I had ADD. I though that was dumb, but eh. He made me do a checklist and yeah.5s and 4s across the board. It said that sometimes ADD can lead to depression; and fixing the depression isn't going to help the ADD; and I definitely saw that evident with the paxil.
So he put me on adderall. And I have been on it ever since. And boy, do I feel like a new person. I can pay attention in class. I can read again. I read THREE books in one week! And I understood all of them! Perfectly! I could do basic tasks, my hygiene is so much better. I can draw without being frustrated. I had used drawing all these years to distract myself from reality, and it became less fun and more of a chore to me. Its probably why I haven't improved in years.
So this week I have been on it has been fantastic. I am calm, relaxed, haven't had a bad thought at all (even in my god awful school lol) and I can draw and read for FUN. what I MISSED FOR SO LONG.
The art I uploaded here was that. It was a chore, and I remember all the bad things that happened that day to lead me to draw those things to distract myself. And it makes me upset. I know some are thinking "how does drawing a purple lynx depress you?" To that I say, the mind is a strange thing and I can't give you a coherent answer.
So, the art I want to upload from now on, is art made in my calm self. My actual self. Without any negative connotation from that day. Art that I take time on out of love for the craft, not swiftly done just to upload something for that five seconds of "completion."
I hope any of that made sense.
At the end of the day, I do want to say, to anyone who reads this: If you need help, find a doctor who is willing to help. Do not be afraid of medication. Medication will HURT YOU if you do NOT NEED IT. If you are having bad side effects, TELL YOUR DOCTOR. Find a good one, and they will try all different things with you. They will WANT to work with you. Yes, adderall is a heavy drug. But I only take 20mg once a day as opposed to twice a day, like the bottle says. and that is ok. You do what helps you. People often say they are afraid its going to make them a zombie or they will be addicted.
And honestly, if you need it, then it won't. I would say the only bad thing that adderall does to me, is sometimes it makes me sweat and have a high heart rate. But it doesn't last long, and its very manageable.
So yes, that was my rabbit hole explanation. And I really needed to get it off my chest. I feel much better now. lol.